Okay, how could I write a book and not talk about boys? Honestly, what do you people take me for? I’m a typical unique cliche girl trying to appeal to the average girl and boy in tune with his feminine feelings (You know who you are). I’m that nerd that sits at home on a saturday night reading and spends too much time with her parents. So what problems could I have with boys? Ha. So let me start of by saying that I regret almost every decision you are about to read.

Time to meet Bachelor number 1: Austin. I will not dwell too much on this relationship. It was one of those middle school relationships. We were 13 and we texted a lot. And that’s all that we ever did. ‘Omg i luv u’ ‘No wai ilu2’. You catch my drift? This lasted a solid 3 weeks until Austin decided he’d rather send his ‘ilu’ texts to the bitch down the street. I’m not bitter. I’m just saying there are more elegible bachelors worthy of my ‘ilu2’s. I did not dwell on this much. But essentially this was my segway down a darker path.

Bachelor number 2: Noah. How do I describe Noah? How about incredibly hot (For a 14 year old). Let me clarify, I was still 13. Yes, an older man. I know what you are thinking…SLUT! That’s only mildly true. Noah was kind of a 14 year old badass. Also, he was australian. Needless to say, I was very attracted to him. At this point I was not experienced at all. I had kissed 1 person, ONCE. He was a bit more experienced than I was. He had made out with 4 girls AND touched their boobs. I was a little out of my comfort zone. But I went along with it lets say I was not educated on the art of making out at all. Little did I know that tongues were involved! I just about had a heart attack when something wriggled it’s way into my mouth. I immediately stopped the kiss and kind of freaked out a little bit. His response, “Why are you being such a prude?” EXCUSE ME? Yes you read that correctly. I, an awkward 13 year old girl, was being a PRUDE. He ignored my obviously shocked facial expression and continued on. At this point I got so angry I just kind of stormed out. That was the last I heard of Noah. I’m pretty sure he moved back to Australia a year or so later. Good Riddance!

Bachelor Number 3: John. This is likely the most damaging of all of my relationships. It’s not exactly a fairytale ending for the guy who I though was my knight in really tight jeans. Here comes John, beautiful, older, smart. The trifecta of ‘He’s too good for you’ and ‘He’ll never be into a dweeb like you’. Well somehow I was able to charm him into asking me out. We met at a friends house (he was her cousin). He strolls into the room with his friend Zack (remember this name) flaunting about his new license (Yes he was SIXTEEN). My 14 year old brain was flummoxed. From what I can deduce about the situation my mouth was gaping wide open. Strike 1. So 14 year old me did not exactly know how to flirt so here I am ready to give it a go…”So you come around here often?” Yes obviously. He lives here. This is his cousins house. He chuckled as I realized my mistake. Strike 2. I didn’t think I could say anything worse than that. Boy was I wrong. See John was a tortured soul kind of guy. He had dark brown hair and a lip piercing and was the epitome of the emo description. To him I was this little weirdo. But to me he was mysterious and forbidden. I had to have him. I decide to go to the kitchen where him and Zack are to ‘grab a snack’. I try and play it off really cool when I tripped and landed flat on my face. Strike 3. I start laughing. Something you should know about me is that I laugh in awkward situations. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Him and Zack run up to me saying ‘Are you okay!?’ They seemed genuinely concerned. I don’t blame them. I looked like a lunatic lying on the ground laughing my ass off after I had just landed flat on my face. They helped me up and brought me a jar of PEANUT BUTTER for the now bright red and darknening spot on my cheekbone. Yes, peanut butter. From that day I called him my peanut butter boy. I’m not sure what it was but I was more giddy than ever. Maybe it was the fact that John had touched me or maybe it was the fact that I had wiped out. It was probably the latter. But between talking to John and his equally as cute, if not cuter friend, I was hooked. So I decided to spend the rest of the night talking to him. I was determined to get him to like me. I guess my awkward flirting worked considering by the end of the night he told me ‘You’re not like other girls.’ This is not the first or last time I heard that. You aren’t like other girls? Is that good or bad? Am I too weird? Is my awkwardness attractive to you? That’s almost as bad as when the summer before my senior year a boy I worked with at abercrombie said to me ‘You know what? You are really attractive for an Indian girl.’ What? Does that mean Indians are ugly in general and I’m just slightly better? Or do I compare to other girls who aren’t of my race? Either way thank you for insulting my entire race, asshole. Anyways. Bewildered me just giggled in response. Literally just giggled. I didn’t say anything. He asked if I would like to hang out again to which I promptly replied, “Of course.” And with that I was on my way home to make my 10:30 curfew. I’ll also have you know that my curfew from the time I was 14 to 18 was extended 1 hour. Yes a whopping 11:30. You could say I was a night owl. So we hung out again. At my friends house exactly a week later. This was not planned. My friend decided to have a bit of a get together and I just went with it. We talked, we laughed, we canoodled, and he kissed me. This was the greatest night of my short existence. This was also the night he got my phone number. We started texting non-stop. A few days later he asked if I would be his girlfriend. I obviously said yes or I wouldn’t be talking about this situation right now. One MINOR issue. He was moving at the end of the summer which was like a month away. So we kept texting and hanging out in groups because let’s say I was a bit of a rule breaker and not exactly allowed to date. Much less date a way older guy with a lip piercing. Here’s the thing about John, he was a little depressed and soon I fell into this pitfall with him. I decided that my life sucked and that I needed to complain about everything. The once happy go lucky girl I was had disappeared. I had low self-esteem and an inferiority complex. John had moved to Texas at this point and we had been dating for 3 months. And it was every girls disney fairytale romance. There was dancing, flowers, some kissing (okay a lot of kissing). It was what I had envisioned, you know minus the long distance part. We worked it out. There was the occasional visit and constant texting and skyping.  This carried on for 5 months but we weren’t as close as we once were. I had become closer to Zach and he had become closer to some of my other friends. And when I say closer I don’t mean texting. I mean shoving his tongue down my friends throat. I decided to forgive him because I, a now mature 15 year old, could understand how my now 17 year old boyfriend had gotten lonely. I thought it was the right way to go about it. Be mature and try and work it out. Month 6, we were miserable. Why were we doing this to each other? Didn’t we love each other? Weren’t we happy? Why didn’t I deserve happiness? I will not lie. I made some mistakes. One of them being kissing, or being kissed by, Zach. Whilst dating John. I was so guilty. I broke up with him 2 weeks later. I was conflicted. I loved John but Zach understood me and took better care of me than John ever did. How do I choose between two loves? Zach was my best friend by this point. He was always there for me. But I couldn’t let go of John. I was unhappy because I was trying to hard to make him happy and he kept getting worse and worse. Let’s say he didn’t take the break up well and used some very choice language. I was devastated. My first real relationship. 7 months of my life gone like the gallon of coffee ice cream next to me. 2 days after we broke up I find out he is dating another girl. I repeat. 2 DAYS LATER. Yes, I shit you not. I find out that he has not just cheated on me ONCE with ONE girl but he has cheated on me with many girls for the last 5 months of a 7 month relationship. It doesn’t end here. Once I broke up with him he fell. Like through the ocean floor to earths mantel fell. He got involved with some bad people shit happened. Him and his new girlfriend were very happy. I lost touch with him. Until one day around 5 months later I get a phone call from his sister (who despised me) telling me  that he had died. For those of you who think this is a joke. It’s not. He had gotten involved in some gang violence and gotten shot. I was wrecked. Not only did all of the regrets and feelings come flooding back it was a couple days after I had broken up with a boyfriend (you’ll hear about this soon) but it was the opening day of a show I had the lead in. I didn’t go to the funeral. I wasn’t invited. As much as I would like to hate him for the rest of my life. I can’t. And I’ll talk about that eventually. Also for those of you who went Tl;dr (too long didn’t read) I had a really hot older ex boyfriend who cheated on me and died. Simple enough.

Bachelor number 4: Zach. Yes I did date Zach. Yes it was weird. After John and I broke up for around a month I was in no place to be dating anybody. Like John, Zach was a tortured soul. He liked to  party too much. He is essential to me picking myself back up. He made me feel so much better about myself. So one day 2 months after my break up with John he asks me, ‘Will you be my girlfriend.’ Obviously it was a shock to me considering that I am oblivious to flirting and boys in general. I said yes. It lasted 2 and a half weeks. Why? We knew each other too well and had no time. It was almost like kissing my brother. I’m not exactly sure what that would be like considering I don’t kiss my brother because I don’t have a brother but it was weird. We mutually ended it. He swears he was in love with me and will love me for a long time. How can you love someone you barely dated? I don’t think I’ll ever understand.  I was obviously still devastated after it and even more so after finding out about John but it made me a better person. Okay maybe not a better person because I’m a shitty person but a stronger person? That still doesn’t work because I’m pretty weak. But it made me…different. Zack and I kept in touch for a few years after. He ended up having a kid a year after he graduated high school. He tried to make me the godmother. I declined. I really don’t like children. He however did make her middle name Mia (which is what he used to call me). We no longer speak.

Bachelor number 5: I don’t really remember his name. That’s a great way to start a story off right? I don’t know what to call him or this situation? A fling? A thing? Is there a difference? A hook up? I can’t keep up with the teenage lingo. At the tender age of 16 I had gotten into going to the gym and buffing up quite a bit so I could beat people up. I wanted to be a badass. Yup, I’m cool. Word to the wise, if you meet at guy in the weight room wearing a muscle tee. He is a douchebag. Turn around and walk away. I wish someone would have told my that earlier but alas…I was not warned. Here I meet boy-whose-name-I-cannot-remember-so-lets-just-call-him-Logan. Logan was using the leg weight machine right next to me. Let’s just say he was hot. You could see his finely chiseled abs from his barely there shirt. Let’s also say I was shocked when he turned to me and said, ‘hey.’ Apparently that’s all it takes for me sometimes. Next thing I know we are outside the gym walking around the outside track where no one ever goes. We go to a spot on the wall and sit down on the dirt and….make out. Romantic right? And no we did not stop there (No I didn’t have sex with him. I’ll have you know I’ve only been to 2.5 base).  We ‘worked out’ a few more times on the outside tracked over the course of the next few weeks. That’s when I found out he had a girlfriend. I was the other woman. A change of events for me. I was disgusted and vowed never to speak to him again and I didn’t. Those of you who are judging me right now…I deserve it. From prude to nude. No, I was never nude at any point during this. But still I wasn’t exactly being called prude anymore. I can’t remember his name because we didn’t exactly talk much. I never saw myself ending up into one of those situations and frankly I’m not even sure how it happened. To this day I’m not sure how it still happens. All I know is it kind of freaks me out.

And there ends the epic saga of my love life. In the past two+ years I have not been in a relationship nor am I planning to be in one. I think I’ve had enough crazy to last me quite sometime. Or gotten crazy enough…I’m not exactly sure. Since Bachelor number 5, I have had no relationships (obviously or I’d write about them), flirtationships, or anything really. I have been single as a pringle and I am ready to mingle (I’ve never understood this saying but what the hell).


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